I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
