and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
