She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
