I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
