You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
