Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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