New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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