Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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