Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
