May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
