At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
