My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
