Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
