anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
