You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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