it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
