fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
