fuck your aforementioned shoe
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
