What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
