I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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