dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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