I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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