you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He? As in you personified your dick?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
