If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
