please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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