a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
