Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
