Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
