I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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