Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
