I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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