i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
