Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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