Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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