my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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