Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
