if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
