This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
