I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
