I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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