On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
