I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
