what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
