I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
