Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
