I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
