i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
