Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
