apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
