allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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