I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
