fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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